This is not a definitive list, but it’s very important. In the event of the below rules being broken, Stephen Fry will be dispatched to kill your family pets. You have been warned.

DO feel free to retweet something HILARIOUS that somebody said. If you feel so inclined, add a comment at the beginning or end, but make it a good one, yeah?

DO NOT copy and paste said HILARIOUS tweet as if you’ve just thought it up in your own mind-brain. You’re not that clever.

DO feel free to reply and communicate with the people you follow. Many celebrities enjoy engaging with their fans, as do non-celebrity Twitter users.

DO NOT use Twitter exclusively to tell Alicia Keys about the tattoo of her name you’re planning on getting on your forehead. She hates Tattoos.

DO take note of upcoming events and self-promoting tweets from celebrity Twitter users.

DO NOT piss and moan when said celebrity tries to make you aware of his/her work. They tend to assume you’re following them because you’re a fan and care about their work, you whinging moron.

DO feel free to unfollow someone who bores you or fails to make you laugh. Maybe they inadvertently offended you, I don’t care.

DO NOT send said user a petulant message explaining how disappointed you are in their tweets. In all likelihood, they have many more followers than you, because your particular brand of passive-aggressive tweets are a bit shit.

DO consider these rules as Twitter etiquette, like good manners.

DO NOT refer to them as ‘Twitiquette’. IMPORTANT NOTE: DO NOT under any circumstances replace the start of a word with ‘Twit’ or the letters ‘Tw’ because it refers to Twitter. It makes you look like a silly Twunt.

Feel free to add your own, including something hilarious like, “DO NOT make a shit One a Day post containing a hastily put-together list of rules for a popular social network site.”

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